The Funny Feeling

It's a funny feeling! Remember the many days and the many people you got to know and lost and the few days and the few people you have got to know and acquired, and kept, and won. Think about the many times you felt something is so close to you, so near that you can even touch it, till you find that, that's not it, that's still not the time or place for it, that's not what you want, that's not what's written (as if you had even the slightest idea of what's written!). You felt so sure that you will get what you want, what you asked for and ask for over and over, till doubt sneaks into you, and you don't get what you want, or what you asked for, and you end feeling rejected and lost and doomed. It is said that if you don't get what you want now, you will get it later anyway, since it's all part of a divine test, but in such state of doubt, you doubt not only the test, but also the questions and the answers and even the final scores! You even doubt your whole existence.

The funny thing is, day after day you find out that you are not alone in that. What's even funnier is that day after day you start to realize that what you want and what you ask for is not necessarily what's right for you. The funniest thing, however, is that, deep inside, you already know all that! You have this inner feeling, which each and every one already have, of the truth of things, yet you still keep it inside and instead go after blind surface feelings of perplexity, worry and stress, anger, and doubt. Remember everything you said and regretted, every word you wrote and erased, every step forward you had and followed by a couple of steps backward, every look you made and quickly took away, and every thought that came to your mind and then you directly ridiculed. You have second thoughts even of this writing, but still you write it, and still you share it: Is it hope? Is it trust or beliefs? Or maybe none of that.
It's a funny feeling to feel so attached to life while you already know that even life is lifeless, so eager for stability while you surely know that change is inevitable, and so depressed about your existence although that very same existence is part of a universal chain of existence that cannot stand without it. Life goes on, and so should you.