Today I couldn't take it anymore. You've always haunted me, but this time you totally occupied me. Your figure is fixed in front of my eyes wherever I look, your voice is fixed inside my ears whatever I do, and your whole presence is fixed all over my mind whoever I deal with. Even the dreams, you are just always there! An unmerciful captivation, an unfair preoccupation.
I tried to escape from you like I always do, so I somehow broke into my dream, woke myself up, jumped from under the blankets, to out of bed, in such freezing cold, and submerged my head under a tap of running icy water, hoping that by this I would come back to reality, the reality that you are not there, that you are not mine, that we cannot be together, that I'm not even sure if you know about all this or if you share at least a little of it with me.
I know you know how I feel. You have the upper hand because I gave it to you once I let you get close to me. So close, closer than ever anyone did. I know from a distance I'm that kind of mysterious fellow, and that people do not feel comfortable with anything they find mysterious, anything they do not know about. And I am comfortable with that, like a defensive mechanism to avoid getting hurt, to avoid the treachery of the people, to avoid the falsity of this life. But once you get close enough, you'd find out that this mystery is nothing but an open book, and I know you already read it.
The way I look at you, that way I speak with you, even the way I quarrel with you because of a 'quarrelless' cause, you knew where they are coming from, and once you got sure, you even tried to extract the 3 words from me. But like you've always been vacillating about me, some day you are so near and the other you are so far, I've always been trying to hide all this from you, because I just knew that this kind of love is a harmful one. It is not meant to go to the next level, due to multiple complicated reasons, but it is to keep me stuck on it, like some kind of a curse. Why did I even love you from the first place? How was such seedling planted in me and let to grow out of nowhere while it is not meant to be turned into a huge tree of evergreen leaves and infinite branches? What is the Wisdom behind making my heart get so attached to something that is not just mine?
I found love in a loveless place, but I wish I had never found it. Not that kind of love. Not that harmful love...
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