The Guide to Completing an M.A. Degree (or Any Degree) in Cairo University (Hence, in Egypt): Based on a True Story, Shamefully!

This is to document the M.A. in Cairo University in steps:

1- Postgraduate office: ask about requirements for applying for the M.A. program.

2- Get the requirements. They fit. Get the papers, complete the missing papers, and pay the fees (about a 1000). Try to be patient as it's still your first encounter with the postgraduate office employees and the stupid routine and the rigid rules and the unjustified expenses, and you'll have lots and lots of future encounters with all of these, so you don't wanna end up exploding; at least not now.

3- Prepare for the written test. Take the test and keep on asking for the result.

4- Passed. Prepare for the oral test (the interview). Take the test and keep on asking about the result (manta fadelhom ba2a w ma3andaksh sho3'l !!).

5- Passed. Prepare for the preliminary year.

6- First term: attend the lectures, be patient with most of the professors, do the assignments, and take the final exams of each subject.

7- Second term: attend the lectures, be patient with most of the professors, do the assignments, and take the final exams of each subject.

8- At some point you'll be asked to sign things from an "academic advisor", just find him/her and sign the papers, it's just routine; the academic advisor himself/herself doesn't know more than you do about it!

9- You did very good work at the preliminary year, congratulations! Now, it's proposal time...

10- While working on the preliminary year, try to have an idea about the topic to be for your proposal and try also to find out about the possible supervisors for that topic in order not to waste time.

11- No matter what you did or do, you WILL waste time looking for the topic and for a supervisor as no one is there to guide you or help you and most probably no one understands anything, and the employees are good at one thing: putting hurdles in your way!

12- You did acrobat and had lots of errands and talks to settle on a topic and a supervisor, start the process (collecting data, reading, filtering, picking, highlighting, writing, revising, rewriting, checking, rewriting, double-checking, rephrasing, rewording, re-ay 7aga, triple-checking, seeing other research papers, going to the university library, finding it's absolutely good-for-nothing, searching other sources, making sure to stick to the University's unclear and unorganized guide for style of research writing, somehow it fits, it's time to submit your proposal then).

13- No, no, no. Did you think you'll have a smooth step in your M.A. in the lovely CU?! No way! Go to the department secretary office then to the postgraduate office then to the secretary again then to the postgraduate again and so on till you generate petroleum! Pay fees, stick to the style, change, update, communicate to the supervisor, the time for the next department meeting is close and time is running, errands errands all the time (bala work bala life bala zeft ba2a!).

14- I'm sorry to tell you that you will not be able to go to the seminar meeting! What!!!! Why???? You just have to have ta7rir 3elmy exams (a couple of good-for-nothing exams, which only serve for adding delays and increasing stress and frustration, and of course, collecting money. Every step needs money for these people! Tegaara di msh ba7s 3elmy!!).

15- Wake up from the irony of having to have a test in Arabic, and wake up from the JOKE of having to have a test in a foreign language (mine was Italian!), what does that have to do with the research, ZILCH!! Wake up to fall into another joke, that you'll have to translate your proposal and print it and submit it too, all signed of course!

16- Passed and woke up men el mahzala di, print ba2a yeegy 5amanaashar tamanaashar copy of your proposal (lots of copies: as far as I remember, they were like 30 or so!).

17- Wait and prepare for the proposal seminar at the department meeting, and beware! It's gonna be tough!

18- You did it! Now your proposal is registered. But hold on! As I told you, nothing goes smoothly at Cairo University town! You need to wait till the approvals of the faculty and then the university committees come (ya3ny 7aaga baseeta .. masaafet a month or 2 keda! You think of complaining?? You just wasted about a year before looking for a topic and a supervisor and doing the paperwork before the proposal stage, so magatsh 3ala dool..).

19- You got the approvals, it's time to do the thesis.

20- Research writing steps again and again and again...

21- Lots of errands to write and revise and update and correct and finalize the thesis.

22- The thesis is finalized el7dL, now it's time to get back to our mostly beloved postgraduate office and routine and rigidity and stupidity and money suckers and suckers bas men 3'eer money!

23- You want to submit your thesis for the viva? I'm sorry to tell you that, but you just can't! You have first to get us an ICDL original certificate. Yeah we didn't say that before and we are saying it now! You also have to pay fees and fees and fees, just give us your bloody wage! Also there are some papers to finish with the department secretary (maho ana el marmatoon bta3 ahaleeko ya wlood el.......!!!). Go do all that and come to us in order not to miss the next department and faculty and university committees meetings!

24- Of course you missed the next meetings, so you'll play on the ones of the next month (as the meetings happen once every month, another source of delay!), but you finished all that routine shit! Good. But still one more thing. (WTF!!!) You'll have to attend the academic writing course and you'll have to pass it! (Academic writing?!! I already finished writing my thesis for God's sake! I don't need it! I can even teach it not take it! Are you nuts?!!!). Sorry, pay its fees and check its schedule (of course things like work, life, common sense, they just don't exist!).

25- Fine! So you attend the stupid course and you keep on checking for its result and you pass, but the committees meetings?? Well, another ones missed, wait for the next month's! Oh God, give me strength and patience!

26- Ok. The committees approved your thesis (after printing it of course several copies), so shall we do the viva? No we shan't!! Pay other fees, go contact your supervisor to contact the examiners to set a date and communicate that date to the Public Relations office to see if it's a vacant date to reserve the room for viva, and pay the reservation fees, and go to the security office, and inform them about the determined date, and get the data show guy and pay its fees, and get the banners guy and pay its fees, and get the ropes guy and pay its fees, and plan the food and drinks and roses bouquet and reserve and pay their fees, and print final thesis copies for the viva and see if any fees are not paid (mahomma esta2ta3ook ba2a 5alas!). Done? Take your file with lots of papers to be filled in from the supervisor and the examiners and pass it to the supervisor.

27- Calm down now ... or Panic! It's your viva! It's your day champ. Go get them tiger...

28- It's been a fierce war, but you came out of it with few scratches, and the M.A. is YOURS! WOHOOOO...

29- Is that what you think? Wohoo?? The postgraduate office is still there and the routine and stupid paperwork and rigid rules won't just die! So you receive a huge paper full of things to do after the viva! I thought I was done with that M.A., well, not really!

30- So you make lots of errands to make sure everything is right and you print the final official copies of the full thesis (9 copies, bankruptcy is eminent!). And you make a summary, Arabic and English, and a separate abstract, Arabic and English, and a certain paper for their database, all signed from supervisor (msh la2eeh ba2a, etsarraf! aw et3attal 3aaady .. 3ezz el talab!!). Don't forget also to make 3 CDs having also these same stuff. Finish all these and pass by us so that your file can go to the (freakin') committees. And when you submit all these, be pretty sure that they will find something missing or not done the way they like to practice their favorite hobby which is ennohom yefassa7ook shwayya!

31- Miraculously everything is done under the quote "fa a3'shaynaahom" and the approvals came, so give me my M.A. certificate now! Fine, go pay its fees (nothing moves without fees!!!). 

32- So you get the certificate (no matter how ba2a) and you request to get your file from their archive and you break a massive '2olla' once you get your papers, in order not to fall prey to such stupidity, rigidity, backwardness, disorganization, disrespect, depreciation, deterioration, blackmailing, theft, arrogance, miscommunication, and negativity again.

[There are other things that happened and still happen, but these are the greater portion of the picture.]
Disclaimer: This documentation seeks to reform rather than to inform, so let's hope for the best.

Be a Master of the Masters' Path: An Academic Non-Academic Degree for Life

It's been a while since I last wrote here. All the reading and writing went to a halt for a single aim: the Master's degree in English language. And voila, the thesis is complete, the defense went well, the post-defense corrections are minor, and the 'Excellent' M.A. degree is official, praised is He. Now it's about time to get back to reading and writing, so shall we?

     Let's write this piece in an academic way: A research question, a hypothesis to predict the answer to that question, a review of the related literature, an analysis and the findings out of this analysis, and a conclusion to give bluntly the answer to that research question. After all, according to Hatch and Farhady (1982), research is the most systematic way to answering questions. So what would be our research question here? Let's make it the following: What's next? Too general and wide I know, so let's narrow it down and make it: What would be the path to choose after reaching a step one has been so longing to? A little plain, but it's much better.

    Before seeking to answer this question, let's set the hypothesis. Well, it is hypothesized that one step is naturally followed by another step, for that's what the human being does anyway in his/her life: moving from one step to another to another, without stopping unless death reaps him/her. The hypothesis is pointed out, so let's move to the review of the literature.

     For the review of the literature, one would provide some of the steps taken and paths chosen by some of the masters. Dale Carnegie prefers dealing with life as day-to-day compartments. If the past is history, and the future is a mystery, the present is a gift. However, having a vision with strong language and solid will is crucial, to have a goal to aim at to move from a day compartment to the other. So it's about the present and the future. George Orwell, however, has a different approach, arguing that he who controls the past controls the future, while he who controls the present controls the past. So it's about the past and the present. William Shakespeare, on the other hand, believes that it's not about the time or the written destiny. We make our own destinies through our deeds and decisions. We are the products of our 7 ages of man, an all-time journey.
     Moving to the master of all, PBUH, things become a little clearer. This life is to come to an end inevitably at any moment, so it is considered weakness to get so attached to this life and so detached from death. Deterioration and corruption are increasing, and holding tight to the rightful path is a real challenge, though a doable, a must-do one. As long as you are fair and decent, a true man, and chaste and with good morals, a true woman, what's next won't really matter, for it is in His light. It's a life of hard work and diligence and discomfort after all. And remember that the darkest times are the ones nearest to the brightest lights of a new dawn. 
     The data to be analyzed is the different possible steps to take in light of personal preferences as well as others' experiences. After reaching a life goal, the possible paths are either to the front, or to the back, or from side to side, or just standing still. Let's see the weight of usefulness of each. Moving to the front goes along with the natural course of events in this life, showing much learning and development and progress ahead and beyond. I would rate the usefulness of this path to be 100%, full weight, full mark. Moving to the back is actually the direct opposite which would happen if for a second one would be deceived by his present status, that he/she reached the top, that no one can reach him/her. The bells of false hopes and over self-confidence and arrogance are ringing one's doors so loud to the extent of deafening him/her from the obvious common sense. A plain 0% for that for sure, not any benefit at all.
     A sort of seemingly safe path would be to move horizontally instead, from side to side. While it stresses one's current status and expands one's horizon, he/she would stay on the ground, with no ambition or growth opportunities, with no aim to fly in the sky and shoot for the moon, for if missed, the stars would be the destination. Though it is convincing for some, the rate for this path  will not exceed 40%. The final path is not actually a path, but a point in space. To remain still. All the world is running around you and you choose to stand still. Believe it or not, it has the same effect of going backwards. To keep up with the fast pace of this world, you need to move or you'll be trodden on. So I believe the path to be chosen cannot be any clearer.
     In a nutshell, one's life usually reaches a crossroads after reaching a life event or achievement. The masters' path is the one that made them glorious and remembered and taken as good examples to follow, full ahead, forward and upward, inward and outward. No backward, no compromising hesitant side walks, and no standing still. Carnegie, Orwell, and Shakespeare might have different approaches towards life, but they surely agree on the importance of time and stress on the criticality of not wasting that limited, running, flying time. Muhammad, PBUH, above all of them provides a life guide to follow, to win both the lifetime and the aftertime. The Prophet says: "Take advantage of five matters before five other matters: your youth, before you become old; your health, before you fall sick; your wealth, before you become poor; your free time, before you become preoccupied; and your life, before your death." 

هل تعلم؟؟

أعلم أنه عليّ الصبر. أعلم أنه كلما تعجلت أكثر كلما صار المراد أبعد. أعلم أنه ابتلاء. أعلم كل ذلك، لكن إلى متى؟؟

إلى متى سأظل أنتظر؟ إلى متى سأظل أعلم لكن دون جدوى؟ أين و كيف و متي؟ تدور التساؤلات في ذهني كالدوامة القاتلة. ولماذا؟ تساؤل يفتح الباب للهب من الجحيم. لماذا؟ تساؤل يأكل من جسدي حياً.

أعلم أنني صرت محاطاً بأسوار تُبنى من الشكوك.أعلم أنني تراودني ظنوني عن نفسي. أعلم أنني لازلت ألح و ألح، أتعجل المجد أم أتعجل البؤس؟! أعلم أنني ضاقت بي نفسي و مللت الابتلاءات. أعلم أنني أفقد الثقة، أفقد الأمل، أفقد نفسي..

لازلت أعلم كل ذلك. فقط أعلم.

أو هذا ما كنت أظنه!

أعِلمٌ هذا أم جَهل؟!

The Funny Feeling

It's a funny feeling! Remember the many days and the many people you got to know and lost and the few days and the few people you have got to know and acquired, and kept, and won. Think about the many times you felt something is so close to you, so near that you can even touch it, till you find that, that's not it, that's still not the time or place for it, that's not what you want, that's not what's written (as if you had even the slightest idea of what's written!). You felt so sure that you will get what you want, what you asked for and ask for over and over, till doubt sneaks into you, and you don't get what you want, or what you asked for, and you end feeling rejected and lost and doomed. It is said that if you don't get what you want now, you will get it later anyway, since it's all part of a divine test, but in such state of doubt, you doubt not only the test, but also the questions and the answers and even the final scores! You even doubt your whole existence.

The funny thing is, day after day you find out that you are not alone in that. What's even funnier is that day after day you start to realize that what you want and what you ask for is not necessarily what's right for you. The funniest thing, however, is that, deep inside, you already know all that! You have this inner feeling, which each and every one already have, of the truth of things, yet you still keep it inside and instead go after blind surface feelings of perplexity, worry and stress, anger, and doubt. Remember everything you said and regretted, every word you wrote and erased, every step forward you had and followed by a couple of steps backward, every look you made and quickly took away, and every thought that came to your mind and then you directly ridiculed. You have second thoughts even of this writing, but still you write it, and still you share it: Is it hope? Is it trust or beliefs? Or maybe none of that.
It's a funny feeling to feel so attached to life while you already know that even life is lifeless, so eager for stability while you surely know that change is inevitable, and so depressed about your existence although that very same existence is part of a universal chain of existence that cannot stand without it. Life goes on, and so should you.   

No Worries

You got to ask yourself: What's the worst that could happen? 

Why to worry when you know that nothing can happen unless it's meant to happen? Your day is a decision, and your life is its result.

Why do you think you can't find something when you badly need it, and when you don't need it you find it all around you? And why o why do you find lots of obstacles coming out of nowhere to delay you only when you are in a hurry? And why in the world would the clock hurl when you want it to slow down and waddle when you want it to hasten? Because you are angry, or maybe stressed and worried?

What's the worst that could happen?? That you won't find what you are looking for? That you won't get what you want? That you will miss your appointment or reach it late? That you will lose something/someone dear to you? That you will even be face to face with death? So what?! You only get what you need and lose what you don't; you only find what will guide you and squander what won't; and you only live according to a universal clock which is counting down and soon will stop. 

The worst that could happen is not to die but to live your life a dying person, led by stress and giving up to your worries, for you will neither enjoy what you are doing nor be able to even do it, and all what you will get is an expensive receipt of some damaged body organs, a receipt to pay by your health: a lose-lose situation.

Seeking a win-win situation, where you live your life happily and successfully? Lose your worries. How can that happen? Consider 3 simple steps in 3 even simpler words: 1) Smile. 2) Breathe. 3) Pray.

Embrace positive thoughts and language and lose expectations, relax and listen carefully to yourself and others, and count your blessings faithfully and take nothing for granted. You will be amazed how simple a cure can be for the deadliest and most painful agonies.

Run!

Run son of Adam, run! The world is a crowded running track and the start line is a couple of steps, or rather heads and feet, away from you. You are all on your own, no friends, no family, no acquaintances, just you. Feeling nervous? Why should you when everyone around you will do the same as you?! Feeling in doubt? Well, there is no going back. Only forward and ahead. And the clock is ticking...

The countdown has started. You can feel the pumping of your heart beating simultaneously with each called number. The voices are getting higher and clearer. The breaths are getting heavier and deeper. Five! You look around and see the people all looking forward, present with their bodies but their minds are already somewhere else. Four! So you look down to the ground, wondering where would they be to join them. Three! And you raise your head up to the front yourself, looking far but farther than you could ever have imagined. Two! You can feel the rush of the blood to your head, and the rush of adrenaline to your muscles. One! It takes only a second to start a race or to end it; one second can change it all. Go! Runners, Go! Run to meet your destiny..

So you penetrate your way among the crowd, and the crowd penetrate their way across you. Past and before you. Through you. You are losing track of the details around, having in mind only 2 things: a clock that has never stopped ticking and the group of runners that you are following and that are following you. And the longer you run, the heavier your steps become, so close to be heavy enough that they would cling to the ground and no longer be in motion. But against all the odds, you keep on moving. Sometimes sprinting, other times jogging, sometimes accelerating, other times decelerating, sometimes hurling, and other times staggering and almost stumbling. Running around the corners, deflecting and detouring. Jumping above the bumps, defying the sweat and pain. Determined to finish the race. A race of glory or a race of shame, you shall reach the finishing line: the choice is all yours. 

From a Humble Vagabond to a Fancy Queen..

It seems something in the woman's genes, something in her creation and way of thinking and behavior, that she can totally and easily take control of a man. Obsess to possess! And she has all the weapons she needs. But the most peculiar weapon is ironically her weakness. By her weakness she attracts the man to be her savior, her protector, her care-giver and pamperer, and then she becomes the man's point of weakness and spreads weakness throughout his body throughout the remaining days of his life, till the point becomes an everything, till she becomes his savior, his protector, his care-giver and pamperer, if she wishes to. It is amazing to observe her magnificent ability to extend and expand in his heart, in his mind, and in his whole being, so that after she totally surrounds him, she is the one to decide what to do with him, to take him or to leave him, to help him thrive or to destroy him. Like animals, to prey on you, to hunt you down and eat you alive, and to haunt you semi-living.

"Poor man!" She would say to herself. You became her poor man. I am the humble vagabond, and you are the fancy queen. I am the wretched creature, and you are the dominant species. I am the honest believer, and you are the false preacher. "Poor man!" You fell so easily for her beauty and gentleness and knowledge and friendliness and strengths and weaknesses. You became the captive of her sweet voice, her angelic smile, her pleasant laugh, her brilliant mind, and her kind heart. You saw in her what you wished you would see in a woman; you saw in her what she wanted you to see and what you wanted to see. But all were illusions. She wants something else; she has been always wanting something else. No love, that is a fantasy, but your servitude, your power, your money, your possession and possessions. All were illusions..

My lady, I am thy humble vagabond, but not any more. I do beseech thee, my queen of hearts, 'twas my heart thou locked with those chains, but ne'er again. Hark and behold! I do prithee, thou art no lady to me. And hither I become my own free soul. And thou shalt become a damned one. "Whether ’tis nobler in the mind to suffer the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune, or to take arms against a sea of troubles, and, by opposing, end them?...For who would bear the whips and scorns of time, th' oppressor’s wrong, the proud man’s contumely, the pangs of despised love, the law’s delay, the insolence of office, and the spurns that patient merit of th' unworthy takes, when he himself might his quietus make with a bare bodkin?"

Verily, my lady, thou art fair but no lovely wench, no chaste maiden. What means it be fair if it admits no discourse to beauty, to honesty. I did love thee once, but for all. Methinks I had enough, and gave thou more than what deserved thee. Farewell! I was thy fool once, but once a fool ne'er a fool. Farewell! "I have heard of your paintings too, well enough. God has given you one face and you make yourselves another. You jig and amble, and you lisp, you nickname God’s creatures and make your wantonness your ignorance. Go to, I’ll no more on ’t." A humble vagabond no more, and so doth thou no fancy queen. Fare thee well in thy accursed path, and by fate we shalt ne'er e'er meet again.

Speak Up

Sometimes you feel you do not know what to do. Many times. Oftentimes. You do not know where to start, or where to end. You do not know where to go, or whom to seek. So you read in hope of finding the answer written by someone somewhere in those oceans of lines throughout that universe of pages; you write in hope of finding the answer yourself, for it could be right inside you, somehow, somewhere, and it should be; you listen in hope of hearing some idea, some awakening thought or inspiration or experience, to help you solve your own mystery; but you never speak. And what good is it to speak if no one will hear? And what good is it to speak if you are not sure what to say, or how to say it?

Thinking about it, you become consumed: gradually eroded, like an unfortunate land, once green and lively and happy, soon yellow and cracked and wretched; gradually corroded, like a dismantled metal, once shiny and robust and efficient, soon rusty and fragile and disposable. It totally takes over you, all over you: a mind not willing to think anymore, a heart not willing to feel anymore, and a body not willing to operate anymore. Standing still, in despair, in the middle of the highway, where everybody around you is running past you, everybody, but you.

So you read again, you write again, you listen again, but still so quiet. And the more you read and write and listen, the more you see it and hear it over and over again. The answer is right in there, and right up there, with the Glorified Lord of everywhere. It is written by the people before in the books and articles and reflections you read, it is said by the people you encounter and listen to as guidance to the way out, and even when you write, your words simply refer to it, for you know it but you do not believe it. But you are still missing something, to be heard.

Speak up so that you can be heard. Speak up towards the One and plead. Raise your hands up, turn your head up, open your heart up, and clear your mind up, and speak. No matter how to say it, no matter what to say, He will hear. He always hears. So speak up and be sure that the answers to all your questions are to be provided. Speak up, believe, and be certain that you rest on solid unshakable grounds, that you will get what is best for you, and that He verily responds to whoever calls, whoever believes, whoever follows the right way.

Lost? Seek Help

If you are in love with your work, you can lose it at any time, you can leave it at any time; if you are in love with some person, you can lose him/her at any time, you can leave each other at any time; if you are in love with your house, you can lose it at any time, whether voluntarily or involuntarily; if you love your parents, you can lose them at any time, or maybe they might lose you first; if you love life, you can lose it at any time, and you will leave it sooner or later; and the list goes on and on for the things and people that you can lose. 

Everything and everyone can be lost, yet life goes on. Even if you lose your own self, and you no longer know who you are, or what you should do, or why you are doing what you are doing, or how you can keep living, life still goes on. Everything and everyone can be lost and can leave you and be left except the One, exalted is His Name, for He never leaves you. And if you lose Him, life will suddenly come to a shuddering halt. Yet, you never leave Him as well. You might think you lost Him, but you just cannot. He cannot be left for He is everywhere, and He cannot be lost for He is the One who made you found and founded in the first place. 
So feeling lost? Think hard. Feeling losing? Think harder. Contemplate and reflect. The test is set for you, but so are the answers, way before you were even born. And so is the Help, closer to you than your jugular vein.

The Beauty Statue

Let the horses of your imagination run in the forests of thought and creativity. Ride them and seek your freest dreams, your wildest fantasies. Let the ancient myth come true. Let your Pygmalion come back into being.

There she stands, a statue of a woman of unparalleled beauty. You would want to kiss her, to bring her into life. You may want to spell her, to fall in love with you. But you fall in love with her first. You fell in love with the perfect woman woven by the threads of your fine imagination, sculptured by the hands of a truly talented craftsman. You fell in love with a beauty statue. 
When you see some sort of beauty you become half-blinded: your eyes are taken away, but your consciousness is still there. But when that object of beauty reacts with you, you become totally blinded, for your eyes and consciousness all fall under the mercy of admiration, sensation, expectation, subordination, prostration! And when life flows through the marble veins of such ideal work of distinction, it is only a matter of time before being stabbed by the ivory daggers of love and affection. What are the odds that a perfect statue like her would love an imperfect human being like you?! It is true that her beauty is your creation, but a statue eventually loves but another statue, and there you would lie, bleeding drops of not blood, but frustration and desperation. Broken, though in flesh, not marble.

You have created a masterpiece of art, almost human, but she is not. Nothing but a cold-hearted beauty statue of marble and ivory. Some may think you are being judgmental, and others may think you are so sentimental. And they are right, but only half-right. For you will find that you already abandoned the 'senti-' and the 'judge' and left them all to the others, to follow, to decide, while taking with you only the 'mental' part, for the mind shall be your only trusted companion.
The eyes can be fooled, the senses can be cheated, but the mind stays, more resistant, and less vulnerable.

يا شادي الألحان

،يا شادي الألحان، مالك تشدو وحيدا

 ،في الكون الواسع شريدا، ترى من القضبان مزيدا

ترفرف بأجنحتك فريدا، إلى الأفق تطير بعيدا،

 ...من الأرض إلى السماء عتيدا، من الظلمات إلى النور طريدا

Do Not Disturb!

    After a couple of days of compliance to the sign "Do Not Disturb" hanging on the door handle, the service boy decided to break into such mysterious room and to disturb its inhabitant who should be as the records say a man in his middle age. From the very first day he checked in to the hotel the service boy felt that something is not right. And a curious person as he is, he made this man's room as his center of revolving around the axis of the many rooms of the Class A category which are in his charge. But once the man entered into the room, nobody ever saw him again. And the sign of "Do Not Disturb" never left its place, driving away any intruders to spoil the requested peacefulness.

      It is the third consecutive day now and nothing is changing, the man is still unseen, and the sign is still there on the door, swaying with the soft tunes of the tender breeze but never falling and never taken away. With careful steps and observing eyes, here is the service boy approaching towards the room, looking right and left to make sure that nobody can see him, thinking about some lie to tell if he is caught by the room lodger or worse by one of the managers. So far so good; no one saw him, so he puts his hand on the door handle, he clutches to it firmly, and presses it down. The door opens, the service boys takes a step inside, he closes the door back, and again nothing appears but the sign that he has just became a disturber and the sentence of a disturber shall be his fate...

      He remained stunned for a while as if he saw a fearful ghost, but what he saw was a little worse. It has been said before: be careful of what you wish for. And here is the man at last, but now he wishes he has never found him, and now he regrets disturbing him and entering this damned room. Now he started to realize that he was seeking nothing but trouble. So there the man lies on the fancy hotel room bed, but with no face! No eyes, no nose, no mouth, nothing, blank, zilch! Just a lifeless, faceless body! And it was a matter of seconds when the service boy's stun ceased as suddenly everything just went black.

     "I know your thoughts, I know your desires, I can give you anything you wish for: all you have to do is to follow me. My loyal follower." The service boy found himself lying in a dark room with these words recurring in his ears. Suddenly, some figures started to appear in front of him. The first was his manager who has been always unfair to him and who gave him more work and less money. The wrath he felt towards him was growing deep inside. But a dagger came out of nowhere and hit the figure of the manager in the chest. Another figure followed, but this time of the service boy himself, wearing expensive clothes and eating at an expensive place and enjoying rains of banknotes pouring over his head. He has never been satisfied with his life and always had these greedy thoughts to have all the money he can get. His mouth even began to drool more once another figure appeared of himself lying on a very fancy bed in a very luxurious room, doing nothing all day, with lots of servants around him, doing nothing but pampering him and serving a comfortable sloth, with lots of types of food delineated over long tables, a gluttony of having everything excessively. Abruptly this figure was replaced by the figure of him standing on a high building and all the people waving at him. The service boy sometimes had this thought that he is born better than others and that he deserves more than others. His pride even went far that even God is standing against him, being the cause of all his problems. Unexpectedly, a couple of women with stunning beauty and attractiveness penetrated through the whole scene, getting closer to him seductively and reaching their hands to him to join them, which caused him to jump before them out of lust like a pig running after a pile of rubbish. He keeps on running before them until he is hit by the figure of one of his colleagues. He has always carried feelings of envy towards this particular colleague for being successful at almost everything he does. The jealous wishes for him to fail and the grudge for every compensation that colleague takes and he does not keep on spreading inside him like a plague.
      Then comes the figure of that man, the room lodger, standing far away, looking down in despair. "I lost myself. Don't lose yours. I ran after desires, life pleasures, self-love, and hatred to others. And I got them all. But they were nothing but thin air .. With each sin I made a part of me was lost, a detail of my face was erased, and I became a walking dead. And I no longer knew my true self. I had this question if God exists, and I answered it, but it was a wrong answer. So I lost my life, my soul, and even my face, since all are not mine, but the Creator's, a fact I found out about but too late. Do not repeat my mistake, and save yourself. Do not disturb yourself by getting so indulged in life and so obsessed with your self for all are to demise and to stand for or against you in front of the Owner of all at the Day of Judgement. Do not disturb others by seeking what at their hands and by having a frozen heart while dealing with them. And do not disturb me for I got what I deserved." 
      With these words the darkness started fading, and light began to cover the whole room, so bright, with no more of such devilish figures, no more of such sinful disturbed thoughts, and no more of faceless, lifeless men. And the light became brighter and brighter, so bright to tolerate. "Helloo. Are you Okay?" said a voice that interrupted all such brightness. It was the man trying to wake up the service boy who slipped at the stairs in front of his door. The man is no longer faceless, or worse, lifeless. And the service boy is awake now, but better, awakened. 

Embrace Love, and Transcend...

   Love is a very powerful feeling. You see someone and you suddenly sense something inside. You do not know that it is love at the time, you actually never know that it is love until so much later. You just feel that feeling. That strange undescribable lovely painful captivating paradoxical feeling. You found someone special, someone of value in your life, someone whose existence is somehow related to yours. You want to know more about him, you want to be always in his presence, you want to talk to him, and you want him to feel the same. Then, you find yourself totally preoccupied with his lovely image, sometimes like a shapeless spectrum, and the other with every single adorable detail. All printed inside your mind, thinking about him, a lot, and about yourself with him, and about himself with you.

    You feel that he is so close to you already, with much and much in common, like some unknown brother/sister, like a soulmate, like a mirror reflection of yourself. You even start to feel that he looks so like you, mentally as well as physically, the same preferences, the same movements, even the same smile and facial expressions. You start to doubt his reality, to doubt your feelings, but they are just so real. And you cannot escape from a recurring thought, that this person and yourself are a unified entity, a whole one.

    The issue with love is that although it binds 2 souls together, it does not necessarily bind the 2 bodies as well. Yet love is never lost. Love is never turned into hatred, no matter what happens, no matter how bad you think you feel, about yourself, about that person. Love just stays there, so resistant, so resourceful, so powerful. 

    Believe me .. If you have ever sensed such feeling, if you have ever felt its ecstasy as well as suffering, if you have ever found that person, consider yourself lucky and blessed, and cherish every moment of it, whether it is a past or a present or even an unknown future, but never curse it. For you have found a truly genuine source of power. 

Cherish every piece of love for it is a distinct evidence that you are a true human being: with a heart not dead, a mind not empty, and a soul not alone. Embrace love, and transcend...

A Reflection on "A Harmful Love"

On A Harmful Love, a reader reflects:

"That state of love
That piece of writing

Expressive
...
In a nonreciprocal love story
Both are not at ease
The one in love tries hard to hide his feelings but fails
The eyes are no secret keepers
And the tongue is on the side of the enemy
While the one on the end of the line
Is at bewilderment
Does he/she love me?
Should I keep her away?
But I really enjoy the company
He feels what she feels because true love can't be hidden and it finds its way
But.. We human beings act foolishly until the mouth says its word
And even then, we don't value what we have until we lose it
Nothing good happens at the end of a nonreciprocal love
Both are hurt, both are not at ease.."

Author's note: I thought of posting such reflection since I found its words conveying some sense of wisdom, some sense of experience, and some sense of advice, as well as an invitation to think and re-think.

A Harmful Love

     Today I couldn't take it anymore. You've always haunted me, but this time you totally occupied me. Your figure is fixed in front of my eyes wherever I look, your voice is fixed inside my ears whatever I do, and your whole presence is fixed all over my mind whoever I deal with. Even the dreams, you are just always there! An unmerciful captivation, an unfair preoccupation.

     I tried to escape from you like I always do, so I somehow broke into my dream, woke myself up, jumped from under the blankets, to out of bed, in such freezing cold, and submerged my head under a tap of running icy water, hoping that by this I would come back to reality, the reality that you are not there, that you are not mine, that we cannot be together, that I'm not even sure if you know about all this or if you share at least a little of it with me.

     I know you know how I feel. You have the upper hand because I gave it to you once I let you get close to me. So close, closer than ever anyone did. I know from a distance I'm that kind of mysterious fellow, and that people do not feel comfortable with anything they find mysterious, anything they do not know about. And I am comfortable with that, like a defensive mechanism to avoid getting hurt, to avoid the treachery of the people, to avoid the falsity of this life. But once you get close enough, you'd find out that this mystery is nothing but an open book, and I know you already read it.

     The way I look at you, that way I speak with you, even the way I quarrel with you because of a 'quarrelless' cause, you knew where they are coming from, and once you got sure, you even tried to extract the 3 words from me. But like you've always been vacillating about me, some day you are so near and the other you are so far, I've always been trying to hide all this from you, because I just knew that this kind of love is a harmful one. It is not meant to go to the next level, due to multiple complicated reasons, but it is to keep me stuck on it, like some kind of a curse. Why did I even love you from the first place? How was such seedling planted in me and let to grow out of nowhere while it is not meant to be turned into a huge tree of evergreen leaves and infinite branches? What is the Wisdom behind making my heart get so attached to something that is not just mine?

I found love in a loveless place, but I wish I had never found it. Not that kind of love. Not that harmful love...

The Camp Fire

The desert never looked more beautiful, the night never looked more cheerful, and the stars never looked more shiny. And here we are, sitting around this camp fire, wishing its warmth cover us and its flames carry us away, far from ourselves, far from the ordinary, far from the disciplinary.

Carpets of sand are all what we tread upon, mixed with lonely shy stones, sinking into the grit once touched by our feet. And the mountains and hills like a Colosseum stand, all around us, keeping an eye on us, an eye of protection, an eye of inspection.

The desert weather is a known cliche: scorching in the day as well as at night, one from the heat and the other from the cold. However, this night looks different, for the scorch seems to be searing, and mildness is taking its place.

The cars and tents and gear and supplies, all are kept at near, yet for once the spot light deviates away from them and is spotted above our glow, in the circle around the camp fire. Sitting together, side by side, like a finely crafted necklace, even glittering like one, a reflection of both our leather clothes and our wide open eyes.

The camp is set, and so are we, but one single detail is missing. The camp fire is still burning, but wood is not its only fuel. The flames are giving a mute scream, to me so loud, but the louder scream profoundly remains inside. 

Utter Freakin' Chaos!

Beginning to feel uneasy about the amount of disorganization and mess in this place. Used to be able to go with the flow, to lean with the hard curves, to dive into the fierce waves, and to detect a pattern in an environment of utter freakin' chaos! But not any more..

Seems that I am losing this ability. Seems that my capability of handling disorder is diminishing. Seems that I am losing grips of it all. And seems that the urge for self-respect is itching ... provokingly!

Some people kept on telling me that this is not the place for me, that I do not fit into living in this territory of madness, the same as a piece of art would not fit into a pile of dirt. Some even told me that people of my kind are so rare these days, especially in this chaotic nonsense. Qualities like kindness and respect and honesty are so much appreciated and valued and wanted, but not here! And I am beginning to believe them...

"You are living in your own world!" Utopia does not exist, but so is Dystopia! All I am asking for is a world with more goodness than evil, and people with more humanity than animality. Is that too much to ask for??

Near and Far

Sometimes I feel you are getting near to me, so near to become even part of myself. I really love the idea and how it feels, so I ignore all the calculations in my head and I disregard all the societal and even commonsense rules in this world we are living in to become so near to you, nearer than I ever thought I would. Then I lose myself .. I just lose it all, all for your lone sake. Then I become occupied, totally occupied with you all over inside me. And at this point you no longer become near to me, for the laws of distance and matter become broken all of a sudden, and you and me become just one entity. Or that's what I think we become, at least for a good while...

Other times I feel you are far, so far to reach. A mirage in the desert, and I am the thirsty traveler. And so after you become close, enough to be in solid contact, you just pull yourself away, you withdraw and leave me lost in an endless maze of mixed thoughts and questioned feelings. Some mysterious force appeared without reason, without planning, without any know-how. Whether it is right or wrong, proper or improper, leading to somewhere or not leading to anywhere, it just appeared, and it is attracting the 2 poles together. Or at least that's what one of the poles believes...

Perplexing enough, it just goes on and on.

Confusing enough, nobody has any idea what's going on.

Enigmatic enough, no one controls it, and it seems run-on.
I'm not really sure who you are, what you are or where you are,
Yet all I know is that I want you there, being near or even far...

A Piece of a Puzzle

This life is strange. So strange. I don't know whether it's life, or it's the people, or maybe it's me. I'm no longer sure. Not sure about anything... 
Sometimes you feel that you got it all, that life became so comprehensible, that people became so predictable, and that your self became no longer a mystery. Yet, that does not last for long, does it?! The people you think highly of think that they are faulty, and the self you think to be faulty is thought of very highly. You look into others, without them knowing it, and others look into you, without you knowing it. You look up to someone: if I just have what you have; but that someone somehow looks up to you too: take what I have but give me this thing you have! You give advice to others while you're the one in dire need for it, and you are given advice by others though they are in no better case than yours. Running circles, chasing dreams, hurling after the mirage of a faraway ocean while being already surrounded with lots of ponds and lakes and rivers. No wonder why you are always thirsty for more! A non-practicing preacher!
What's bothering you? A missing piece of a puzzling life? What if we are all pieces of the same puzzle? And what if there is no puzzle from the first place? The wonder continues, and the puzzlement goes on and on...

It Is in the Eyes

    There are some sorts of things which are worth telling but cannot be told, worth writing about but cannot be written. They originate from the heart, then move to the mind to be processed in the form of words, then somehow the mind finds them unprocessable so they are sent back to the heart, but they become a load on the heart, specially if they keep on piling up, and therefore the ailed heart finally decides to send them to the eyes, where looks and gazes are the only comprehensible language, a desperate measure to say what you want to say when you simply cannot say it, and sometimes even when you do not want to say it. However, neither does everybody know about such internal process, nor does everyone understand this unspoken language, but it happens, all the time.

     It is in the eyes, all what you are looking for. A word can carry only its meaning, but a look can carry books of meaning. The heart almost always says yes for it is fearless, and the mind almost always says no for it is reasonable, while the eyes do not speak, for they are truthful. A look can be so revealing, so plain and obvious. Yet unlike a thought or a feeling, it can be so easily captivated, so easily deceived. And in the inner mind-heart-eye conflict, the upper hand almost always goes to the voice of reason, for it is the most authentic of all three. However, reason does not always get the last word, does it?!

     So you run and run, away from confrontation, mainly for the fear of getting hurt. And you sit there, imagining a million of scenarios, though you know very well how things will go eventually. Your mind is overwhelmed, your heart is aching, and your eyes are closed. No one knows anything about what you are passing through, but what about you? Do you really know what others are passing through? So open your eyes. Maybe the things you considered so much alive are already fading, and maybe the things you considered already dead are so much sprouting, but not through words, spoken or written, but through just a look in some sincere eyes.